I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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