i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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