I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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