Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
