Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Soap is not a condiment
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize