Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
