the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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