bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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