First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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