Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
