Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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