Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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