i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
