It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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