You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
