: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
