I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
