Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
