oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
