I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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