I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
