Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
