time to smoke my breakfast
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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