I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
