If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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