My sheets look like a crime scene.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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