We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
4 words: hood of his car
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
