There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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