I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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