I heard we made out
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
