so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
