you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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