I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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