did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
