I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
