Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
