Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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