Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
