i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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