im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
