I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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