I wish life had little blips of pornography
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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