3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
