I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
