Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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