The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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