Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
