I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
