Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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