i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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