How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
