your parents love me but you hate me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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