my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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