Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
