Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
