i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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