You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
