does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
