When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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