In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
